my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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