sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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