I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
