So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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