btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
