i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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