I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
