I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
