Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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