I wish you could order shots online.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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