I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
