Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
