I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
