Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
