My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
