walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
