I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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