Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize