I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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