She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
