i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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