His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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