Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
