Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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