My friends, they love my intelligence
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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