I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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