he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
