I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
