my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
