I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
