i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
