Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
