just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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