Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
