True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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