Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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