I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
