Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
