; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
