the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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