The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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