We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
