My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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