Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize