i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
