How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
