but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize