I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
