dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
