There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
