6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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