Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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