I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
