i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
