[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
