shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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