I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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