two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
