I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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