Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
