alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They are going to name an STD after you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
