my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
